Dangerously Quoteable

Things Jessi has Said:

• "It's a fine line between being completely out of your mind, and being totally well-adjusted."
• "I'm completely unintimidating. Unless you're afraid of denim."
• "Don't underestimate my powers! I'll destroy universes if it's funny!"
• "Should I be upset if my Valium has been laced with roofies?"
• "I have a really interesting sensation in my head right now."
• "My laptop is ticking. Should I be concerned?"
• "Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between my family and my friends. As far as I can tell, my family are the ones who sort of look like me."
• "All the good men are either taken, gay, or fictional characters."
• "Food would be the wrong thing to eat right now."
• "Aw, man. I sink. I guess I'm not Jesus."
• "Of all the muscles of the body, I think the worst one to get a cramp in would be the tongue. That would hurt."
• "I'm so close I can taste it. No, wait. That's a Cheezit."
• "Those palm-top computers are a great idea. I think it would be great to have a computer that is also a choking hazard."

Things Said by People Jessi Knows or Knew at One Time:

• "If only he meant what you think he's saying." - Nan Gaffron
• "Well, start another pile. That's why God invented piles!" - Norma Passaro
• "G's are almost as funny as k's. and it doesn't have any vowels. which makes it sound yiddish. that's even more funny." - Alycia Bencloski
• "Yeah the waking up in Tiajuana next to a goat next morning kinda kills the love..." - Chris Short
• "As they say in baseball, hit a home run, and you'll run all four bases" - Michael A. Keller
• "I don't take any of you people seriously. This is the internet, not real life. The way you can tell the difference is this: In real life, you don't have to type as much, unless you have some office typing job or something." - Luna
• "People will defend imaginary worlds to no end. Don't f**k with their imaginary worlds!" - Zakk Weston
• "Im right at that delicious golden brown of craziness!" - Adam Bitting
• "I don't think I smell this bad in public." - Richard Rowe
• "I seem to have the brown version of the King Midas touch." - George Gaffron
• "I'm as thin as I am now." - Alasia Mouk
• "Ask 10 goths what 'goth' means, and you'll get 11 different answers." - Brian Luce
• "I have better water pressure at school than here, but i can at least trust the grime between the tiles here." - Johanna Wagner
• "Well why frown? It takes more energy and I'm lazy." - Chris Short
• "Ha, Ha, HA! I control the ebb and flow of spatulas across the Net! I am the Steward of the Spatulas! The Master of Flipping Devices! HA, HA, HA!" - Jason O'Kane
• "If you had four arms, you'd be an octopus. No wait, and octopus has six arms... or is that a spider?" - Susan Keller
• "He who has a nose bigger than his heart is a stupid prick... or something." - Zakk Weston
• "If the sky were green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing." - Scott Olsson
• "OW! OW! My feelings!" - Michael A. Keller
• "I think it would be painful to be dead and sitting up like that." - Elisha Witt
• "Gee. I wish I could speak gibberish in an English accent." - Zakk Weston
• "You're a dead man, Charlie Brown." - Zakk Weston
• "People who walk to school never carry guns." - Jason O'Kane
• "It must be Amy Grant. She said 'Jesus!" - Brittany Novak
• "When I was little, it was 1985." - Lauren N. Ward
• "I refuse to leave the store until I pay for this stuff!" - Michelle Potter
• "Thou shalt not stop factoring until thou can factor no more." --Mr. Malay
• "If you can't get this far, you have every right to go home and cry yourself to sleep, because you are disgustingly lazy." - Mr. Malay
• "Is 'Champaigne Supernova' on the White Album?" - Derrick Brashear (he was serious)
• "Poof goes knowledge."-- Mr. Malay
• "Density is how often mass occurs. Hey! Massoccurs! Whoa!"-- Mr. Malay
• "It's like people don't trust me with boiling hot grease."-- Hilary Spell
• "If you can kick yourself, that's progress."-- Mr. Malay
• "Give me two candles and a box of Hamburger Helper and I can have a more romantic evening than the prom!"-- Brent Figiel
• "Have you ever debated morale issues with a computer before? Once I pulled a disk out while it was saving and a window came up scorning me--'You do not have the right to do this. This is wrong!'"-- Jon Hearn
• "Every villian needs a trusty sidekick, especially when he's an action figure." -- Alycia Bencloski
• "One of these days, I'm just going to have to buy an ass."-- Derrick Brashear
• "Wouldn't it be great if we vomited together?" -- Jason O'Kane
• "That's not as blue as the green you have." - Sue Keller
• "You can dish it, but you can't take it out." - Sue Keller
• "How hard is it to sign your name and accept praise? No one's going to wait an hour or so after a show to tell you you sucked." - Zakk Weston
• "Do girls have groin muscles? Because if the do, I think I pulled mine." - Maggie Poetain
• "I forgot there was a light at the end of this tunnel." - Jenny Locke
• "Everyone understands a punch in the stomach and an exploding building." - Mr. Russel, IUP Journalism Department

Things Other People Said: (if there isn't a name, assume it's anonymous)

• "Lady, people aren't chocolates. You know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling." - Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs
• "Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." - Frank Zappa
• "I think William Shakespeare was the wisest human being I ever heard of. To be perfectly frank, though, that's not saying much. We are impossibly conceited animals, and actually dumb as heck. Ask any teacher. You don't even have to ask a teacher. Ask anybody. Dogs and cats are smarter than we are." - Kurt Vonnegut, Hocus Pocus
• "History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
• "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Mother Night
• "If its' not air, don't breathe it." - A sign in the High School Chem Lab (very good advice, actually)
• "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it." - Shug Avery, The Color Purple (Alice Walker)
• "Have you ever found God in a Church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show. Any God I ever felt in church, I brought with me." - Shug Avery, The Color Purple (Alice Walker)
• "Remember, laughter brings us together. We need a lot more laughter in this world and a lot less of the stupid crap that divides us." - Rene Hicks
• "I don't know how people are drug addicts and do this at the same time. I can't imagine how you'd keep up." - John Flansburgh
• "To all of you C students I say 'You too can be president of the United States!" - George W. Bush
• "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" - The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
• "I never knew I was so empty, to be so full." - Schmendrick the Magician, The Last Unicorn (Peter S. Beagle)
• "It's always good when you can end a poem on the word 'breasts'" - Allison Joseph
• "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." -- Mark Twain
• "The problem with trying to make yourself stupider than you are is that you often succeed." -- C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew
• "Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor." -- Peter Tork, Head
• "Silence is foo." -- Daffy Duck
• "Just because you can thrill a toddler by chewing with your mouth open doesn't mean you should. -- Michael Nesmith, ABC Monkees Reunion Special
• "The trouble of your time, my young friends, is that you may get exactly what you want." -- Head
• "You remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to." --Grampa Simpson
• "Perhaps the love of a man and a woman doesn't amount to a hill of beans, but this is our hill, and these are our beans." -- The Naked Gun
• "These are the dreams that stuff is made of."-- Videoranch slogan.
• "TV brings murder back into the home where it belongs." - Alfred Hitchcock
• "Science is like pornography, you know it when you see it." -- Tim Knauer (Professor at Univeristy of Kentucky)

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